Understanding "A WOMEN"

The Bible says that a wife is the weaker vessel, meaning not that she has less physical strength or stamina than her husband, but that she has a more emotional nature and is more inclined to view life and make decisions based on her feelings than is her husband. Because of this, women are also more inclined to look to the marriage relationship for value and significance. When men marry, most are clueless to these differences and consequently, the power they have to inflict emotional pain on their wives. Simply stated, it is this basic difference between men and woman that causes the misunderstandings at the root of so much marital stress. A primary cause of conflict between husbands and wives is that they come from two different perspectives when they communicate. When women attempt to communicate their feelings, they often rooted in fear, dismay, or anxiety, but they use words, cite facts, or employ a tone that causes a man to imagine he is being attacked. Unfortunately, when a man feels attacked he responds defensively. Instead of recognizing that his wife feels distressed by something, he immediately protects himself against the unwarranted “attacks” by discrediting her facts to quell her stress. This perceived lack of compassion will cause his wife to become more frustrated, which evokes more intense communication. A woman’s goal in such a conversation is not to win an argument or to flaunt her superior debating skills. Simply put, she is typically crying out for understanding, and wants her husband to respond with empathy and help. She wants not to be corrected, but to be validated in her distress. That is why a woman might make her points citing “facts” that a man believes are inaccurate. Unfortunately, husbands think they can change their wives’ minds employing logic and reason, and by correcting their misstatements. But women usually aren’t trying to win an argument and don’t want their husbands to tell them that they shouldn’t feel what they know they feel. All they know is that they feel something deeply and want the husbands to understand how they are feeling. Correcting them is a big mistake on their part. Here are a few examples of how women attempt to share their hearts and how husbands perceive their words to be attacks: What she says , What a man hears , What she means Women will say "We need to talk" Men will understand "I need to complain" But in reality she wanted to say "Understand my fears and stress" She will say "I’m having a bad day!" He will understand "If you were a better husband or father, my life wouldn’t be so hard!" But in reality she wanted to convey " Rescue Me, please!" When a woman does something so extreme as to leave her marriage, it is usually because she has sought many times to communicate her fears and distress to her husband, but he has not tried to understand or rescue her. Instead he has invalidated or corrected her feelings. This is especially heart-rending for a woman, because the very reason she chose to entrust herself to this man in the first place was because she believed her heart was safe with him. She was certain he would protect her feelings and make her feel safe -- physically, emotionally, and mentally. Over a period of time, after a woman feels her heart condition has been ignored by the man in whom she sought protection, she decides she can tolerate no more pain. She concludes that not only is he not safe with her heart, but he poses the biggest threat to her. She finally runs away from him in desperation. At that point the husbands feel unjustly abandoned.They want to fix it by apologizing for something, but are annoyed with her at the same time for leaving them.Unfortunately, a woman is not easily won back by a dozen roses and an apology.

The Journey

Begins like this. A young man identifies the woman he wants to marry and begins the business of serious courtship. Time and money are no object, so he throws vast amounts of energy and creativity into the pursuit. He gives gifts, sends cards, writes poems, delivers flowers, plans romantic dinners in elegant restaurants,and enjoys leisurely drives on country roads. He is on a mission. He has a worthy goal. He is motivated. He lets nothing stand in the way of winning the woman of his dreams. She becomes his top priority, and he will not rest until she is his. He is smitten and wants her to know it. He rearranges his busy schedule to spend every possible minute with her. He compliments her warmly. He sings her praises to friends and family. He talks about her constantly. And very slowly he begins to wear her down. That’s right, wear her down. You see, she was a little suspicious at first. He was obviously in hot pursuit, but what exactly did that mean? What was he after? Did he want a cheap thrill or a lasting relationship? A female trophy or a wife he could treasure? She knows the dangers because she has been hurt before. So she wisely guards her heart and maintains her distance. She observes, waits, and analyzes. Can this guy be trusted? Or will he dash her dreams six months after the wedding? She has heard the horror stories, and doesn’t intend to provide the plot for another one. Meanwhile, the diligent young man showers her with attention, affection, and appreciation. He calls her four times a day, fills her mailbox with declarations of love. The weekends are wall-to-wall recreation and romance: dinners, movies,and parties. And now — the offer of a diamond ring. Almost against her will, she feels loved. She feels safe and secure and treasured and prized and wanted. She begins to trust him. She begins to believe that it will last. In fact, she lets herself believe that it will keep getting better and better and that marriage will open the door to a future of unimagined joy. Finally, the last bridge of doubt is crossed and she says, “Yes, yes, I will marry you. You have proved beyond a shadow of doubt that you love me. You have courted me, romanced me, made me feel special and important and treasured. You have convinced me that I am at the top of your priority list. You have won my heart. I will marry you!” So the wedding date is set, the ceremony is carefully planned, and the honeymoon is arranged. It all comes off in storybook style. The newly married couple move into his parents house and the young wife settles into the realities of everyday married life, reveling in the knowledge that she made a wise and wonderful choice for a lifetime partner. And then it happens. Her husband does a terrible, horrible, awful, unthinkable, rotten, and reprehensible thing. Oh, he doesn’t realize he’s doing anything wrong. But he does it, nonetheless, and deeply wounds his sincere, trusting wife. What does he do? He shifts gears. He readjusts his focus. He figures that now that he got the “marriage job” done, it’s time to move on to another objective. He faced one challenge and beat it; now it’s time to face another one. So without giving one thought to how this is going to affect his wife, he calmly rearranges his priorities, reapportions his energies, and launches out on his next mission, most likely in the marketplace.

Loneliness

Family life today is under siege. Families are beset by divorce, a crisis in roles, absenteeism of parents, a breakdown of authority, preoccupation with things, inadequate time together, financial pressures, and a host of other problems. Many women really feel lonely IN their marriage. As hard as it is to feel lonely when you have no significant other, it is even more emotionally difficult when you do have a partner and you feel lonely anyway. When you are single, you at least have the fantasy that one day you’ll meet someone and not be lonely. But when you are married, your loneliness feels infinite and hopeless. You wonder, is it me, is it him or is it us?Loneliness is a feeling of emptiness, abandonment and rejection. You do not need to be alone to feel lonely and lonely is not a good feeling. Much more problematic is when you feel lonely and isolated because in fact, you are under emotional attack. If he criticizes you often, belittles you, tells you that you are nothing without him and threatens to leave or hurt you, then this is emotional abuse. In this setting it’s not unusual for the same man to isolate you from friends and family in order to keep control over the relationship. This is lonely and frightening. This is a relationship you need to get out of.